Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Coach Hunter sets the record straight

Guilford College Squeaks Past Alumni

While childish whining from the current squad persisted concerning the number of players the alumni affiliated themselves with, the old boys were set on displaying some aggressive and technical rugby. From the onset, the Huberite All Grads pressured the try-line, taking the fight straight to their puberty-stricken opponents. A merciful three-points were quickly posted, and the alumni declared victory.

The end.
After the end, 75 more minutes of rugby were played at the generous donation of the Alums time. The outcome of the after-scrimmage is still disputed and highly controversial. Occasional knock-ons and a multitude of forward passes were utilized to convince senile and reckless official George Huber that tries could possibly be awarded. While alumni wingers Harry Lorello and Chris Lampkin scoped the attending crowd for possible tries of their own, opportunistic children fielded the ball and fell on it luckily to add more strokes to the legally bewildered Huber's scrawled tally. Between what could only be considered power naps, alum flanker Tyler Cope and prop Hrothgeezy Lane made sure considerable and appropriate amounts of pain were delivered on time. All Grads hooker Ben Snyder impressed the girls throughout with his callous disregard for the cadence of scrums, and his unflappable work rate. "I couldn't stop staring at him during the set pieces," remarked junior hooker Kevin Smithey, "his handsome locks were distracting and worsened my play." After the interval, the alums were fairly and righteously granted the proper amount of players (briefly) before the college side continued with their immature pleas. "Sir, they have 16 men on the field, and also my diaper needs changing," remarked fullback Maxwell "Bodeon" George, "also I thought this was a prom-dress game and am therefore unsuitably dressed." At minute 55, captain and coach Dan Hayden broke into his briskest jog of the game to graciously grant David McKindley Ward (Jr.) safe passage into the adults-only zone. Minutes later, the alums' outside center denied 4 defenders to post 5 points in the Guilford College try zone. "That is an awesome try," remarked sophomore Guilford flanker Andrew Slater. The points were quickly erased when it was discovered that head official George Huber was legally demented and believed himself to be participating in a re-enactment of the popular children's game, Candyland.
Moments later, the rugby gods smiled upon the alums hard work when they granted a second try (this one to be counted) from centers Nick Hunter and Dreu Gottlieb in a hard-charging and ultimately unstoppable attack rendering the college students demoralized and want for their parents, who were conveniently present. At this point, sophomore lock Will Dawson was reportedly doing nothing... that's right... nothing. "I was searching for my binky blanket," remarked the towering man-child. Having established clear and irrefutable dominance, the alumni dream-team turned their attention toward coaching the college players, rather than running up the score and rubbing salt in their terrible wounds. Through appropriately late tackles and creative facilitation of the off-sides rule, the alumni were able to educate senior scrum-half Max Kochinke on how rugby is really played. He then used this education to his own selfish advantage by scoring an unneeded and unnecessary try. During this generous coaching spell, alumni flanker Chris Runion accidentally scored yet another try of his own when he carelessly touched down the ball from a textbook instructional maul. The alumni pack was apologetic, but humbly accepted points from the official after instructing him as to the parameters of an awardable try. After several more stanzas of high tea whilst watching the collegiate team run plays and touch down imaginary points, the alumni brought a halt to the developmental clinic, and awarded the club side with a 33-15 points victory. The college players enjoyed this imaginary morale boost until several hours later when they suffered a crippling defeat at the hands of several alums at the first ever alumni weekend rugby social.
Match Report By Nick Hunter
Photo Credit: Will Dawson's Facebook Profile

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